Were You the Family’s Therapist? Understanding Parentification
As the only daughter in my family, I’ve often felt this immense pressure to take care of everyone—even when it seemed like they didn’t care as much as I did. For a long time, this deep sense of responsibility felt good, almost like a sense of purpose. But as I got older, the feeling shifted. Instead of fulfillment, it turned into constant worry, fear, guilt and the need for control.
Thoughts like:
If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.
They’ll be mad at me if I don’t _______.
What will they think?
Am I being selfish?
What started as a “Let me take care of my family” became an ingrained expectation —one I placed on myself. Over time, it became overwhelming and impossible to maintain.
I saw myself as the peacekeeper, the responsible one, the person everyone could vent to (hello, therapist job). And while I hated being called a people-pleaser or a doormat, there was truth in it. The weight of those roles seeped into every relationship and every part of my life.
If this resonates with you, you may have experienced parentification—a dynamic that often affects eldest daughters and only daughters (impacts other siblings too). But what does that actually mean? Let me explain.
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you’ve likely been parentified:
Do you suppress your own emotions to avoid burdening others?
Do you always feel responsible for taking care of your loved ones—even when they don’t ask?
Were you the one your mom or dad vented to instead of a partner or friend?
As a child, did you work to keep things in order to avoid a parent’s anger? (Maybe one more than the other.)
Have you found yourself unintentionally or intentionally people-pleasing?
Do you ever feel like you have to perform in relationships, as if you’re wearing a mask?
Were you the one who comforted your siblings when they were scared, sad, or confused?
Did you struggle to express your needs or ask for help because you felt you had to be strong for others?
Did you feel like your parent depended on you more than they should have for your age?
Essentially, parentification is when a child takes on adult responsibilities for their family before they are emotionally, developmentally or physically ready. Parentification is a broad term, but it encapsulates a range of experiences that may shape how you see yourself, your relationships, and your place in the world.
So… you said yes to some or all of these, take a breath and release. The weight of exhaustion, anxiety and deep fear of letting people down is heavy and might feel burdensome to carry. The truth is, you were asked to carry more than you should have and that weight doesn’t just disappear in adulthood.
Healing from parentification takes time and it is possible. Here’s some gentle reminders as you take the first steps of inner child-work and reparenting yourself.
Acknowledge Your Experience Without Judgement
You weren’t imagining it. You were put in a role that wasn’t yours to hold.
Give yourself permission to recognize that you were a child given adult responsibilities, it wasn’t fair to you, and your worth is not tied to what you do for others. If you notice your body responding in a way to this information, take some breaths and move your head gently. Acknowledging what happened to you isn’t about blaming your family—it’s about giving yourself care and validation you never received.
Identify and Honor Your Own Needs
When you’ve spent your life caring for others, it may feel unnatural to ask, What do I actually need?
Take moments to pause and check in with yourself. Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel obligated to?
Make a list of things that bring you joy (without serving others).
Allow yourself to rest.
This may feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice, the more natural listening to your needs becomes.
Set Boundaries (Even When It Feels Hard)
If you were parentified, boundaries probably weren’t respected in your family. Maybe you felt like saying “no” would disappoint people or cause conflict. But setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you whole.
Try these small but powerful boundary shifts:
Instead of dropping everything to help, ask: Is this my responsibility?
Instead of saying yes out of guilt, practice saying: I can’t right now, but I hope you find what you need.
Instead of absorbing other people’s emotions, remind yourself: Their feelings are not mine to fix.
It may feel uncomfortable at first, but discomfort is a sign of growth. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
Break the Caretaking Cycle in Relationships
When you’ve been conditioned to care for others, it’s easy to fall into caretaker roles in friendships, romantic relationships, or even at work.
Ask yourself:
💭 Do I feel like I have to "earn" my place in relationships?
💭 Do I take on emotional labor for others at the cost of my own well-being?
💭 Am I drawn to people who rely on me to "fix" them?
💭 Am I giving from a place of love or a place of fear (rejection, abandonment, or conflict)?
If so, it’s time to shift from caretaking to supporting—showing up for people without overextending yourself. You don’t have to be the one holding everything together.
Reparent Yourself with Compassion
Healing from parentification often means giving yourself the care you never received.
Here’s how you can start reparenting yourself:
✨ Speak to yourself with kindness—like you would to a child who needs reassurance. Imagine a 5 year old you and that’s who is receiving your words.
✨ Engage in things that bring you joy, play, and rest.
✨ Remind yourself daily: I am allowed to exist for myself, not just for others.
Parentification can make you feel like your only value comes from what you do for others. But you are more than what you give. You are deserving of support, care, love and rest. You are so worthy.
